The Home of Atilla

“Politics should be the part-time profession of every citizen who would protect the rights and privileges of free people and who would preserve what is good and fruitful in our national heritage.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sewer-side Chat Iowahawk

Posted by Atilla89 on September 30, 2007

A great post here from Iowahawk completely mocking Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University. Enjoy 🙂

Emily Peterson
Fellow students, distinguished faculty, and honored guest; I’m Emily Peterson of the Enormous State University Student Union, and I would like to welcome all to another exciting and educational installment of ESU’s Distinguished Guest Lecture Series. Today we are honored to present the remarks of His Excellency Gromulak, Overlord Chieftan of the R’Qqharbian Cess-Mutants.

[raucous applause, cheering]

Emily Peterson
Before we begin, I would like to remind all of you of the audience ground rules. First, please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Second, expressions of intolerance — placards, demonstrations, coughing, or sudden movements of any kind — will not be tolerated. Third, His Excellency has requested that all non-mutant Wo-Mans in menses cycle conceal themselves beneath an R’Qqharbian Shroud of Disgrace, which are available in the ballroom lobby. Your cooperation in following these rules will ensure a learning environment of open free speech. I would also remind you that violators will be escorted from the hall. To present Mr. Gromulak, please welcome President Whitworth.

[smattered applause, hisses]

ESU President Sandy Whitworth
Thank you, Emily. Some twenty-five years ago, when the first R’Qqharbian mutant beings emerged from the sewage treatment plant on West Campus drive, I was a young First Amendment scholar at the ESU School of Law. It was a dark era, with voices across Collegeburg calling for confrontation and conflict with our new campus neighbors. These voices grew louder after the unfortunate hostage misunderstanding of 1986. These were the voices of irrational fears – fear of community diversity, fear of the multi-mandible Other, fear of paralysis venom, fear of being dragged beneath a sewage pit to serve as a mutant egg-host. But I also remember with pride how the ESU community banded together to fight for Cess-Mutant rights. We held teach-ins. We surrounded the treatment plant to prevent the draining of the R’Qqharbians’ habitat. We created ESU’s prestigious Center for Subterranean Mutant Studies. Together we showed that peacefully coexistence could be achieved through dialog, underderstanding, and an occasional gift of livestock carcasses.

[applause]

President Whitworth
It is with that same sense of pride that I welcome all of you to today’s lecture. As you know, this event has not been without controversy. Many of the same voices that sought to confront out Cess-Mutant neighbors 25 years ago, like Campus Security Chief Ray Warren…

[loud boos]

Audience Voice
Fuck you, Ray!

[laughter]

President Whitworth
Please, let’s all show some civility. As you know, Chief Warren, like many opponents of free speech, sought to have this lecture shut down in the name of “safety.” Later he sought to ban Mr. Gromulak’s personal security detail and confiscate their traditional ceremonial impaling rods. In ordering Chief Warren to stand down, I reminded him of ESU’s committment to diversity and open debate, and the words of Benjamin Franklin: “those who would give up a little liberty, for a little temporary motor function, deserve neither.” I also reminded him that I control his pension.

[applause]

President Whitworth
As you also know, this event has prompted donation boycotts by alumni groups, like the Class of 1986 Survivors Association. That’s why I assured our alumni that this forum would be a dialog, and that I would be posing a number of challenging questions to Mr. Gromulak, which he has graciously agreed to address.

With that in mind, I am pleased to introduce today’s speaker. Mr. Gromulak has led the Cess-Mutants since 2002, when he was voted Chieftan by acclamation of the R’Qqharbi Elder Council of Cess-Lords, following his defeat and devouring of former Chieftan K’ah Jhuknarg in eat-challenge. Prior to his Chieftancy, he served as Minister of Livestock Acquisition. Mr. Gromulak is himself a former educator, having taught at the R’Qqharbi Polytechnic Institute for Skull-Boring. Ladies and gentlemen, His Excellency, Gromulak.

[sustained applause]

President Whitworth
Mr. Gromulak, would you mind answering a few questions?

Gromulak
Ta my haagh crowal lane dy astan, loma-làn! Ular melingkar-lingkar!

Interpreter
Choose your words wisely, Hu-Man! They may be your last!

President Whitworth (adjusting collar)
Your Excellency, recent security camera evidence suggest that R’Qqharbi raiders were behind the rash of propane and fertilizer thefts at Farm and Fleet, as well as the abduction of several plump Collegeburg women from Jo-Ann fabrics. You have flaunted your treaties with the county health department and area livestock farmers. Strong fecal evidence also suggests your forces are responsible for the repeated attacks on the Alpha Epsilon Pi house, whose destruction you have repeatedly called for.  Some believe that you were also responsible for the 2005 explosion of Baxter Hall.

Mr. Gromulak, I’m afraid a sober assessment of this evidence leads to the conclusion that you are scarcely better than Chief Warren. My question to you: how do you respond to these criticisms, and how can we, as a community of scholars and academics, promote better understanding between our two societies?

I await your answers, but I doubt you have the intellectual honesty to respond.

[loud boos]

Gromulak
Tha mo bhàta-foluaimein!! loma-làn easgannan Gromulakki bo R’Qqharb!!

Interpreter
Enough of your insolence! The Hu-Man’s words dishonor proud Gromulak and all Cess Mutants!

[sustained applause, cheers, foot stomps]

Gromulak
R’Qqharboba blonk! BLONK! BLONK!

Interpreter
Mutant guards, impale! Impale! Impale!

President Whitworth
Oh God please, no! I have a Trustee reception at 4! Arrgghh..grrrgll.. gllmmgghh…

[scattered gasps, applause]

Audience Voice
Warren still sucks!

[cheers]

Gromulak
Dunyoni!! to’xtatib turingo Gromulak! Varkiclaflo’i cu culno lo angila, Q’qharbs, loma-làn! Watashi no hobākurafuto wa unagi ga ippai R’Qqharb-gok!  Kafadan kontak Puust ja punaseks ette tegema kuman di seberang lautan tampak! Yah ādmī cālak lagtā haĩ ro-R’Qqharbkij  Heghlu’meH QaQ! Jajvam burkhan orshoo butin chinee sakhal urga-frat osom para oblake rhoi’r ffidil ar y tô fekete bikapata kopog Blunqar! Kragnar kemikleri büker Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon Gusto kung mosakay sa kabaw!

Oki dok, Fi x’ħin jiftaħ il-mużew. To’xtatib turingonka?

Interpreter
Silence!! Now is the time for the speaking of Gromulak! Bow down before the might of your Pit-Lords, Hu-Mans! Your giantness does not intimidate proud Cess-Man! Our fearsome jaws will masticate and digest your young, who will prove a tasty feast for our thoraxes! The eggs of Cess-Wo-Mans will burrow and nest in your delicious warm skull meat! We will wipe you and your frat houses from the surface and fulfill the prophecy of Blungqar! Kragnar will rise from the netherworld and create a paradise of sewage and sweet feces for all!

Okey doke, that pretty much covers it. Any questions?

Emily Peterson
Okay, we have time for a few question. Please form lines behind the two microphones on the outside aisles, and please keep the center aisle clear for the EMT workers removing President Whitworth.

Questioner
Hi, I’m Josh Markin of the ESU Progressive Student Alliance, and I’d just like to say that as a campus activist for peace and justice, that I am totally down with how you have stood up against the fascist neo-Jew GPA thugs at A E Pi, and their plans for busting every grade curve on this campus.

Gromulak
Moje vznášadlo je plné úhorov Gromulak! Pun jegulja loma-làn!

Interpreter
These words please Gromulak! Continue your tribute, Hu-Man!

Questioner
Awesome! But I do have one problem. Warren continues to blame you and the mutant community for the sewage explosion that destroyed Baxter Hall in 2005, even though all the evidence points to an inside job! For example, did you know that sewage doesn’t burn? Why did A E Pi have advanced warning? And what about the damage to Rec Building 7? All the facts are in this pamphlet! Why won’t you come out and tell the truth that you are innocent, and that Warren’s thugs blew up Baxter so he could plant illegal monitoring devices at the sewage pit, and jail mutants without a warrant, and…

Gromulak
Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj skeertuig is vol palings, loma-làn! Lije k’o iz kabla R’Qqharbok!

Interpreter
Your words grown tiresome like vines of cess algae, Hu-Man! Feast now on his pallid flesh, minions!

Questioner
Whoah! Don’t eat me bro! Aaaaah! AAAAAAAH!!

Emily Peterson
Okay, another question from over here?

Questioner 2
Hi, I’m Jeremy Davis, I’m a sophomore biology major. As an out Gay man, I support peace but I am concerned about recent reports that Gay R’Qqarbis are routinely tortured and executed. My question is this: will you at least agree to stop the vivisection of Gay R’Qqarbis, and using their entrails as animal bait?

Gromulak
R’Qqharb di pagar bundar-bundar R’Qqharb! Mano amfibija su oro pagalve pilna ungurių Kragnar! R’Qqharbo glonk Gromulak puskažociņš uz šaursliežu dzelzsceļa R’gy a garsa bos dyghtyores gols ga chachak! Hklepki oda damagh khrāb hoyak R’Qqlub, nosom para oblake rhoi’r ffidil jojok do krompchar! Jež’ce cez cesto ghey!

Interpreter
Cess-Man does not lie with Cess-Man! This does not exist for it is forbidden by the word of Kragnar! All Cess-Mans like Gromulak crave manly contest, like the writhing excitement of thorax fight and eat-battle! We pass these manly ways on to our slave-lads, even as they are young and beautiful and their ectoskeletons are yet soft and lithe and supple! Totally not gay!

Emily Peterson
Over here?

Questioner 3
Hi, I’m Sally Kohn from the ESU Gay and Lesbian Alliance. As a Jewish endoskeletal lesbian, I know that I will eventually be among the first killed in the inevitable R’Qqharbi uprising. Still, I can’t help but thinking about how you are so… God, this is so embarrassing… so little and cute and cuddly.

[laughter, applause]

I mean, those square jaws, those deep set eye clusters, those sexy antennae. Best of all, I love the sexy way that you stand up and speak truth to the real evil in Collegeburg – Ray Warren and his gestapo pigs. Sure, I might be a vertebrate dyke, but I would totally fuck your thorax off.

[applause, “wooo” sounds]

Gromulak
Chu-loma-làn bundar-bundar chu-loma-làn?? Ziškópela waŋží wačhíŋ Kragnar, wíŋyaŋ oĥ’áŋniwašte.  R’Qqharbo, glonk damagh khrāb hoyak! Ka-loma-làn Brak mu/jej piątej klepki oda.

Interpreter
A Wo-Man who lie with other Wo-Mans?? By the thorax of Kragnar, it is wrong yet my spore sac is strangely aroused. Minions, take this one to my private cess pit that I might bore its egg-hole myself.

Questioner 3
Omigod, Gromulak picked me! Thank you!

[applause]

Questioner 4
Ashkharhu getzour tarnalen, hos gouzem Thargnak yelel Qqharb Vr’an’ejk Chonk. Dsu mu popile mozak Nincs ki mind a négy kereke, seberang lautan blonk tampak gajah.

Interpreter
Greetings my liege, I am Professor Thargnak of the Center for Subterranean Mutant Studies. I have important information for you, but you must first… kill… the… interpreter…

Gromulak
Choba.

Interpreter
no problem… Aarrrghhhllggghh..ghh.. grhll

Questioner 4
belut ente prrakkum-paetakam blonk niraye!! BLONK! BLONK! Ha ha! Mwaaa BLONK! BLONK! HA HAH HAH HAAAA!

Gromulak
Choba blonk loma-lan?! BLONK! BLONK! BLOOOOONK! HA HAHAH AHHA HAAAA!

Emily Peterson
I’m sorry, but that’s all the questions we have time for today. I would like to thank all of the sponsors of today’s event, including the ESU Union Speakers Series, the Center for Subterranean Mutant Studies, the Open Society Institute, KESU, and Whole Sewer Natural Foods. And on behalf of ESU, thank you, Your Excellency, for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak to us today.

[applause]

As a token of our appreciation, I would like to present you with this official ESU Yellow Storm football jersey, embroidered with the number “1” and “Gromulak” in R’Qqharbian. I hope it’s not too big, it’s the smallest size the bookstore had in stock.

Gromulak
Nima vseh kolesc, Chu-loma-lan. v gl’avi Flängd i roten, han har otur när han tanker? Kafadan kontak Gromulak-char SAT punaseks.

New Interpreter
Your tribute is acceptable, Wo-Hu-Man. By the way, could I also get an application packet? Spawn of Gromulak is taking his SATs in the spring.

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